| (no subject) |
[Apr. 20th, 2007|12:09 am] |
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I need to come up for air. |
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| it has been a very long time. |
[Nov. 28th, 2006|03:57 am] |
i felt the urge to write. we shall see how long this lasts.
my mom just called me. she informed me that her mother/my gramma died last april. that was seven fucking months ago. and she just found out today. apparently, some notification was sent in the mail to my uncle, regarding her death. so today, he called to inform his siblings.
my gramma called me last march. she told me that she was moving to texas and wanted to hear from me. i called her, i didn't get an answer. so i didn't try again. i told someone a few months ago that I was feeling convicted about it. i needed to call her. i needed to. she may have been awful to my aunt, uncle and mom, but she wasn't awful to me.
last week, while i was home, i found out that a friend from middle school/highschool died. i made fun of him all the time- to his face. i fought with him, constantly.
maybe this is a sign that i need to do some rethinking. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 19th, 2006|10:49 pm] |
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I'm so glad that my damn cell phone was stolen today at my internship... on my last day there. No cell phone for me. I'm sure God is laughing at me right now. |
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| i just don't get it. |
[Apr. 15th, 2006|08:09 pm] |
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Don't ask me why, but I just bought The Beautiful People by Marilyn Manson on itunes. i am completely intrigued by him. i don't like his music... he is just so interesting. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 11th, 2006|07:01 am] |
did i ask too much
more than alot
you gave me nothing
now it's all i got
we're one
but we're not the same
well we
hurt each other
then we do it again
you say
love is a temple
love the higher law
love is a temple
love the higher law
you ask me to enter
but then you make me crawl
and i can't keep holding on
to what you got
when all you got is hurt
one love
one blood
one life
you got to do what you should
one life
with each other
sisters
brothers
one life
but we're not the same
we get to
carry each other
carry each other
one |
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| and the clock is still ticking. and quickly too. |
[Apr. 9th, 2006|04:21 pm] |
instead of doing the ass load of homework i have, i hung out with my cousin and her new fiance. hmmm... not sure about that yet. Evidently, they have known each other since 6th grade, but have only been dating 3 weeks. yeah. not sure. he seems like a neat guy, but... there is always a but... he's kind of a red neck. we already talked about some issues we disagree on. it was interesting, to say the least.
i will be regretting this "not doing homework because i can't focus" deal real soon.
something has gotta change. |
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| tick tock tick tock.... |
[Apr. 8th, 2006|10:02 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  amused | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Madonna. Hung up. | ] |
Yay for staying up until 4:30am. Oh those Lamms... and I guess Zosels too. |
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| it's the end of the world and we know it... and i feel fine. |
[Apr. 6th, 2006|01:25 am] |
a lovely individual introduced me to some new music. one song in particular makes me feel quite hopeful. quite hopeful indeed.
maybe this is one of the many reasons why i am not freaking out yet about what i have to get done in the next 3 weeks. i am content, knowing that it will all get done. there is no reason to freak out in the meantime. yeah? |
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| if you feel like being amused, read below. otherwise, don't waste your time. |
[Apr. 1st, 2006|07:32 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | not in mexico. damnit. | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  exhausted | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | posed to death. the faint. | ] |
i started crying once our plane landed in rainy medford at 1 this morning. i didn't think i would ever stop. april fools... but really... for once, i was not ready to come back from a vacation.
yesterday morning i went to the beach and tried to soak up everything and save that one image of blue water with boats and white sand in my mind. i took a long walk and reflected on the week; the good and the fun, but the weird and the crazy...
Most fun: Snorkeling, by far. We went to the bay, got our snorkeling gear, and it was time to go in. I was pretty excited up until the point I put my flippers on and walked backwards into the waves. I think it was the shock from the water temperature (wasn't cold, but wasn't bath water) and then i psyched myself up a little bit more and thought of JAWS. man, i'm weird. actually, it's not really a great white that i'm afraid of, but i am truly afraid of fish. hahahahaha. why am i in the water then? then, i started to hyperventilate. yes, i am afraid so. my sister and dad had already gone out a little bit before me, so i was on my own, breathing really hard and fast, and thinking about the fish that might bite my toes. wow, rediculous. i then swam out, found my family, and decided after a half an hour of doing nothing but freaking out, i was going to snorkel. come on, it's not that hard. inhale, exhale. whatever. i did it, i loved it, i want to do it again.
most random: we then came back from snorkeling and got ready to go on a boat. a boat, where all of the alcohol was included in your ticket. so, basically i took this as "free alcohol". yep. my stepmom, hating to go on boats because of getting seasick, decides that drinking alot might do her some good. then, she won't have to think about much, let alone, her stomach. woah. not the brightest bulb. i knew there was a problem when she started getting up to dance to the live music. that's not a problem, but it's my stepmom. COME ON! (said in Gob's voice). she does not do that.
After the 3 hour boat ride, we get off, and take a taxi to some nice restaurant. Things are good. pills are good. flowers are good, brittney, and so is the food. everything is fine. kristi, my stepmom was jabbering up a storm from what i remember. then all of a sudden, things got really quiet. i look over to kristi next to me... she's rubbing her face alot and saying some weird crap. i ask her if she's okay and she said that she thought she was going to get sick. i was thinking, "great. this should be quite interesting". i then look at my dad and he smiles and says, "you deal with her" and i reply and say, "she's your wife!". kristi then stands up and stops. my heart is racing by this time. i just thought, she's going to lose the $30 dinner she just consumed. it's not going to be pretty. i then walk her to the bathroom. she's fine blahblahblah. we then leave the bathroom. and she holds my hand as we walk back to the table! ok. to be honest, which some of you may disagree, but i'm telling the truth here... I'M NOT A TOUCHY PERSON. i can be affectionate, when i want to be, with certain people. (that includes like 2 people i know) but honestly, i never touch anyone in my family, unless they reach out and give me a hug. anyhoo, this is my stepmom. not my mom or my dad. for those of you who know me, my stepmom and i have a weird relationship. it's a constant battle for attention from my dad for her and i have decided not to play. so, to be holding this woman's hand, is quite the awkward moment. but it wasn't, because for once, i felt bad for her. she was drunk and about to throw up, and i was the only one who decided would help her. why me? i don't know. God was testing me.
We went back to the table and sat down. everything seemed to be fine. i thought. she said she was feeling better. ha.
i looked over the next minute and i saw her turn towards my dad and start hurling everywhere. at the dinner table!!!! right before it happened, i looked at her mom and she said, "NO!" and shreaked and then covered her face in embarrassment. my dad was embarrassed too. i couldn't believe it was happening. hahahaha. i decided to rub her back while she was blowing chunks. one of the waiters came out (thankfully, it was outside) and i said "lo siento, senor". he had a smile on his face and got kristi something to help her stomach. some drink. she thought it was more alcohol. hahaha.
she kept saying things over and over again to anyone who would listen. like "jenna is so sweet." and "jenna took care of me". i think she was pretty pissed at my dad... of course, i would have been too.
we walked out of the restaurant and she kept holding my hand. i couldn't believe it. all i was thinking was "i hope i don't sit by her in the taxi." i knew i was going to hurl if she threw up on me. i was being really selfish. my lucky dad got to sit next to her. she took his jacket and threw up twice in it on the way back to our place. yes. twice.
i felt really bad for her. how embarrassing to throw up in public and because she was drunk. wow. don't want to experience that ever.
but for some reason, i think we had our first and only bonding moment. who knows if that will ever come again, but i think i will always remember that last night in Cabo. |
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| como esssssss taaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaass? pronounced co mo est ass :D |
[Mar. 29th, 2006|12:52 am] |
Mexico thus far: excellent. relaxing.
Seen: lots of cruise ships, whales, drunk/passed out men and women, lots of blue water, dolphins, lizards, people I know, pretty flowers, mucho sun...
Done: sunbathed, gone to the beach, sunbathed, gone to the beach, homework (yes, homework), shopped, ate at good restaurants and bars...nothing... and more nothing...
tomorrow? thursday? who knows... maybe some snorkeling perhaps. nothing... oh the beauty of nothing.
what would i change? not a whole lot... except to bring alot more people i love.
if only spring break could go on for years...... |
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| gnawing chinchillas and airports. |
[Mar. 25th, 2006|01:20 am] |
i've decided that i like airports. alot.
it's great for people who love people watching; just staring at crazy and stressed out individuals who are on the verge of having aneurisms. there is no reason to freak out, but i get this weird enjoyment when they do.
weird. we are boarding now.
ok. bye.
off to portland. damnit. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 16th, 2006|11:37 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  restless | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | the sound of my stats teacher's voice. blah. | ] |
Yay for David Gray... five months later. |
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| "Don't have sex. You will die". Yay for Mean Girls. |
[Feb. 28th, 2006|06:19 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  hopeful | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | the helio sequence. looks good. | ] |
David Gray show. Check.
The Yeah Yeah Yeahs. probably check. actually that's a definite check.
Sasquatch. I'm praying for a miracle. Is that bad to pray for money to go to a music festival? |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 20th, 2006|08:04 pm] |
Well, I've decided that doing laundry over at the Quaker house is probably not in the cards anymore. I just love it when an ex boyfriend walks in and says, "I don't know whose these are, but I'm going to put them back where I found them. Gosh! (In his usual tone) This is the least amount of fabric I've ever seen for underwear." Ha. Whatever.
Well, they in fact were mine. Wow, thank you God for the special moment with Jesse.
I just responded by saying, "It's okay, we know you have a problem, and you don't have to hide it anymore". |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 16th, 2006|08:13 am] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Coldplay. I'll see you soon. | ] |
There are many times where I wish I could tell an individual something (that in my eyes and the eyes of others are completely true) and they would believe it and feel completely content. Obviously, are minds are not intended to work that way. But sometimes, when it's regarding your best friend, I wish I could do anything to change it. I thank God for moments like the one tonight. And I also thank Him for people like her. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 7th, 2006|06:13 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | exhausted | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Gregor Samsa EP. | ] |
Blood tests have come back positive. I have been diagnosed with mono. yay, right? |
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| Tell everybody waitin for a superman that they should try to hold on the best they can... |
[Jan. 30th, 2006|07:04 am] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Waitin for a Superman. Iron and Wine. | ] |
God has truly been speaking to me through this whole internship. Because of getting to go to the shelter, it gave me a broader view of what is going on in this world. It has made me angry, sick to my stomach and sad, all at the same time. I do not really feel the need to vent to anyone at my internship about anything I see or hear. I do not feel the need to vent to any of my close friends of what is going on. I do not feel the need to disclose anything to my mom; someone I would tell anything to. Because of what I saw this week, I just kept to myself and thanked God at the same time, for what and who I have in my life.
I was around numerous people this weekend. The feeling of sickness came over me once again. Why? Because we live in a selfish world. Some of us really have no clue of what we have until it is gone. It was not until then, that I felt the urge to break down and tell God about all of my frustrations. Afterwards, I felt God's presence overwhelm me. And I am just so incredibly thankful for the chance to tell him about the affects of this internship. I am so glad to be where I am.
____________________________________________________________________________________________
As I was walking home tonight, I was listening to one my favorite songs from The Arcade Fire. Just as it was building, getting louder and getting to the best part of the song, the wind began to blow really hard. I then looked over and saw that a massive tree had fallen over. God's presence was there again and it was a great feeling. We live in a beautiful world.
Happy birthday, Noah. |
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| "Don't give up and don't do any drugs..." |
[Jan. 17th, 2006|12:55 am] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Scissor Sisters. Thank you, Brittney. | ] |
Week one is over. Well, I guess it's now Tuesday, therefore it has been over for quite some time. It was a total blur. So many things to do, and so very little time. But I did get some time to squeeze in some Arrested Development with Seanie Kitten. I think we watched all of my favorite episodes. I was in heaven.
I dropped a class. No more of the 18 credits crap. Life is swell, there is a three day weekend, every weekend. But for some reason, I think this semester is still going to be tougher than last.
I loved my class for Juniors Abroad. Honestly, I think I was laughing the entire time. Our leaders have the dryest humor and I love it. Clella, in a very sarcastic and serious tone says, "you are going to buy so much lace, you will have no idea of what to do with it." Oh it just made me so much more excited for Europe.
Miss Zosel's bday was last week. She got trashed. Hahahaha. Wow, that is a sight I cannot picture. I wish I could have gotten Chris Martin to come out to serenade her for a day.
I took Roommate to Portland last night to meet the fam. I don't think I warned her enough. Hmmm... it was out of control. Aunt Crunchy was actually well behaved. :D Haley, you are going to be the next privileged one to visit next... "ignore it, ignore it... it is just something the body does when it is shaken".
When we left, Heidi hit her head on my car (don't ask me how) and actually blacked out. So when we went to pick up Cole at Coffee Time on 21st, we decided that hanging out in Portland for the evening wasn't such a grand idea. So, I dropped Cole off at Powell's... right back where she had started earlier in the night. Oops.
Speaking of that kid, we had a lovely heart to heart tonight... which was something that was definitely needed for us. I'm glad for conversations like those.
Okay, I am done.
The End. |
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| If I ever want proof, I find it in you. |
[Jan. 8th, 2006|07:29 am] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Coldplay. Proof. | ] |
Brokeback Mountain Thursday.
Fight Club Friday.
Man on Fire today, but I really wasn't paying any attention.
I would have to say that Fight Club was definitely my favorite.
School starts Monday. I'm a tid bit nervous. Life for me will be over... 18 credits and an internship. I should absorb this moment though; a year and a half left, and then I have to be a true adult.
Maybe it is a good thing that school is starting. This break has given me a lot of time to think... especially in the past few days. There has been this sense of uneasiness, questioning God of why I was here. But then someone told me that there was a very good reason of why I came back early. A time of evaluating relationships, which is something that is not new in my life, but I can honestly say that "evaluating relationships" right now, means something big and have not wanted to face for a long time. God told me it was time. For some reason, I have a feeling that I have to make some significant decisions and I do not want to make them.
I am listening to Proof by Coldplay... it's funny that its timing is perfect. Maybe I need to move on with my life. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 3rd, 2006|07:01 pm] |
I kinda wish I wasn't back. I think I was escaping my problems at home and unexpectedly facing issues coming back to this place.
I love my family. I love them more than anything. I'm missing them alot right now.
I am questioning many of my relationships right now. It is almost unsettling. |
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